My mind swirls
around and inside me.
A neverending storm.

I do not know
how to escape it,
nor contain it.

I can’t find a way
through it,
around it,
or a way to fight it
any longer.

I fear it has won
so often,
I’ve lost count.
And the fear itself
makes my stomach churn.
Just at the very thought.

I wonder every day,
where has my strength gone?

I’ve never felt
this weak,
this sick,
physically,
in years.
Not like I have
the past 8 months.

It feels like,
in just that short span,
I’ve seen the inside of the hospital
more than I have
in my entire life.

And with every visit,
my mind feels weaker.
Too haunted by the memories
all this pain has dug up.

Will my fear
one day be right?
Will this storm
I’m trapped inside
finally, beat me?

Or,
can I truly beat it?

Not pretend,
not lie to myself,
but really beat it?

The torment,
the demons,
the spinning of the mind,
hell,
even the dreams?

And why,
why do I feel
like both outcomes
are what my future holds?

A contradiction.