Suddenly,
the only sound I can hear
is my heart,
pounding inside my head.
Beating behind my ears,
as if the world itself
is echoing with me.

I fear I’m passing out.
Things shift and spin around me.
Fourteen, and completely panicking.
I had left myself before,
in small, hidden ways,
but this was different.
This was all of me

She is here.
Angry and cruel.

Yelling, threatening and scary.

Again.

And then, time snaps for a second..

I don’t remember leaving,
but I know I have.
I stand beside myself now,
just a few feet away.
Watching her.
Watching what I always called the ghost-me.
She’s always existed.
She must be another me that died.

The chaos,
the screaming,
the fear,
the horrific pain,
they no longer pierce me as much.
They mostly belong to her.
The one who suffers
so I don’t have to.

She writhes.
She cries out.
Her face twists in agony
Yet I can’t touch her, no matter how hard I try.
Unable to move, I stand silent.
Breathless,
feeling nothing
except the hollow space
where I should be.

For a moment
I almost envy her.
She feels.
She bleeds.
She survives the storm.

But I,
I am the shadow left behind.
Weightless.
Watching.
Both captive and free.

And when it ends,
when the world grows quiet again,
she will crawl back inside me.
Pressing her pain into my bones,
and I will carry my ghost.
Like I always do.

 

I know the way you are holding on.
So tight.
Even now, in this moment.
Each and every day, you hold on.
No matter what.
Fingers pressed into the seams of each day.
I know how hard you fight.

Often it feels like exhaustion has become a second skin.
Coming from deep inside you.
A part of your every cell.
Every breath.
Your body is heavy and your mind spins.
Restless and numb all at once.
A quiet, but also a loud ache.

Sadness and fear won’t win.
Deep within I know this to be true.
And I know you are pushing through the hours.
The minutes.
The seconds.
Through the many betrayals of sleep.
Relearning how to get up when your bones are done.
When it feels like your soul has given up.
Finished while the rest of you has to keep going.
I know you are holding way too many silent tears.
While a war wages inside of you.
A battle that you hide.
Quietly torturing your soul and mind.

I feel your pain.
I know it and that place far too well.
Where time keeps moving and the light feels far.
I know how impossible it can be sometimes,
to believe it could or will ever ease.

But it will.
I promise.

Because there will be a moment,
small or huge, that lifts your heavy heart.
You’ll breathe more deeply than you have in a long time.
It will catch you off guard.
And you’ll tightly hold it to your heart.
Then a smile will come.
One that is really you.
True, soulful, coming from deep within.

So hold on.
Keep fighting.
And when your strength runs thin, take my hand.
I’ll always be there.
With you, unshaken, believing, knowing,
that soon your next breath will be softer than the last.